Mishaum Point News

May 2003

 Vol. 1

Spill Motive Revealed
By Fox Butterfinger
May 2003

Morton S. Bouchard III, President and CEO of Bouchard Transportation admitted today that the Buzzards Bay oil spill was done on purpose.  

“My firm has had many spills over the past few years, but we have never achieved the milestone of having the worst spill in any one area.  We have always caused the second or third worst spills,” said Bouchard.

 “On April 27th we were shooting for Buzzards Bay's biggest spill ever. Unfortunately the weather turned calm and oil collection ships showed up on the seen before we were really able to get rolling. Needless to say, I am disappointed in how little oil actually got out. We leaked 100,000 gallons, but we had the potential to really soak the whole area.”

Morton S. Bouchard III (middle) shown with his two wives

Despite his duel Arabic-French heritage, Bouchard denies being a terrorist.  “Terror had nothing to do with this. It was more artistic expression—the oil on the water was incredible under the moonlight, and it would have been better if there were more.  Being number one was also a big part of things.”

F-15s Pummel Mishaum Attackers
By Mishaum.com staff
May 2003

The war on terror in Mishaum escalated today as F-15 fighter jets bombed two speedboats laden with explosives heading for Mishaum.  “Ever since the USS Cole attack in Yemen we knew Al Qaeda was capable of something like this, but this time we were very well prepared,” said HomePoint security director, Christy Pennoyer.

F-15s fly away as  fire rises from two bomb blasts on the west bank of  Mishaum (AP Photo)

The sequence of events leading to the bombing was a mixture of keen defensive planning and some luck.  Retired General Frankie Parker was out fishing near the Red Nun when he saw what he described as a bunch of wild-eyed Arabs speeding toward Mishaum in Boston Whalers.  “We motioned to them to slow down but they ignored us.  I immediately called President Shapleigh on the ship-to-shore radio and alerted him that something might be wrong,” said Ret. Gen. Parker.

 Taking the warning seriously, President Shapleigh phoned Director Pennoyer who quickly called in an air strike.  Less than a minute later three F-15 fighter jets broke from routine patrol and swooped down on the approaching speedboats.  With a radar lock, two F-15s dropped 500-pound, guided bombs pounding both speedboats just as the boats were about to hit the Point.  The blasts rocked the shoreline and could be heard as far as Newport. 

 Director Pennoyer gloated at the success of the foiled attack and praised the F-15 pilots.  “Today we showed the world that the full force of the US Military will be used to protect our shores."

It is believed that eight terrorists were killed in the attack, but those responsible for the planning are still at large. 

Oil Spill Now Believed to Be Act of Terror
By Jayson Blair
On loan from  The New York Times
May 2003

Mishaum authorities today linked a team of Al Qaeda operatives to the Bouchard oil spill in Buzzard’s Bay, and concerns are that further attacks against Mishaum may be planned. “This despicable act was committed by evil doers whose only religion is the spread of evil and oil.  We will find them and bring them to justice,” President Rusty Shapleigh said.

The investigation is ongoing but in the meantime Mishaum security efforts have been stepped up under the Direction of HomePoint security director, Christy Pennoyer.  “We must never sit back and think that bad things can not happen on Mishaum.  This is life and we know that Mishaum and other gated communities have been targeted for future attacks,” said Pennoyer.

Christy Pennoyer guarding Teal Rock at the northern border of Mishaum    

Since the oil spill attack the Mishaum border has been closed and many people have remained in their homes.  “It will take time for things to return to normal but we know we can get through this difficult period,” said Pennoyer.   

As a precaution President Shapleigh has created a no fly zone over the Yacht Club and Boat dock.  “Those two areas receive tremendous foot traffic in the summer, and we just want to play it extra safe. In addition there will be military air support at all Beetle Cat races throughout the summer."

Last week Mishaum authorities said that they had foiled plans by at least 4 terrorists to carry out strikes believed to be aimed at the Parker’s tennis court.  “I can’t give you specific details but we are having some success in our war on terror in Mishaum.” said Pennoyer. 

Jets patrolling over the sand bar break the silence of a spring morning

Mishaum’s War on Oil
By Tom Gelton
May 2003

With the clean up phase of Mishaum’s War on Oil almost certain, tough questions remain as to what comes next.  Some think the beaches will be pristine by summer while others speculate it will take years of continued Coast Guard clean up to stabilize the situation.

Mishaum President Rusty Shapleigh called in scores of Coast Guard workers to clean and protect the Point from what he called a serious threat to our summer enjoyment. “The oil spill is evil and we will not stand by and let it foul our shoreline.  The shoreline is not evil but the oil spill is.  We have called upon the brave men and women of the US Coast Guard and Clean Harbors Company to liberate our beaches from this ever oily evil,” said President Shapleigh in a televised address from aboard his Beetle Cat Keen Kutter.  

With the beaches now swarming with Coast Guard and far less oil damage to be found than expected, locals are questioning what is worse:  beaches covered with a little bit of oil, or scores of cleaners in hazardous matter suits yelling at would be sand castle builders. Winter resident Tom Davis was instrumental in pressing the Coast Guard to move on to Mishaum.  “The threat was real and we needed to apply pressure.”

The general Mishaum population is calling for a return to normalcy, and talks swirl around a regime change.  There is no clear leader waiting in the wings to take over Mishaum post clean up, but exiled, former president, John Barrows is seen by many as a likely transitional leader until the Point can be made stable.  Davis and others disagree and believe the Coast Guard should remain indefinitely to assure Point cleanliness. 

Meanwhile, all of this is making Salter’s Point very nervous.  Salter’s has remained free of oil but Coast Guard supervisors hint that a landing on the Salter’s beach may be next. 
Jiffy Lube to open service on Mishaum

By Jayson Blair
On loan from The New York Times
May 2003

In an attempt to find a silver lining in the oil spill tragedy; the Jiffy Lube Corporation announced today that they will open a service center on Mishaum.

“There is so much oil just wasting away on the beach that we thought we should do something about—and make a buck while we are at it,” said a company spokesman.  The plan is to collect the oil off the beach area near the boat dock, and pipe it up the road where it will be reprocessed and used in cars needing an oil change.

Given that the Mishaum beaches are so oil soaked, the company sees no harm in replacing the dirty oil they take out of cars and putting it on the beach.  “From a business standpoint, this makes total sense for us.  We only take the oil we need and we never put back more than we take—and we don’t have to pay for anything.”

The site of the service center will be at the top of the Boat Dock path allowing easy access from either end of the Point.  Construction will start in June and be finished by the middle of August.

Russell Pennoyer, a consultant to Jiffy Lube and investor in the center believes the project makes a lot of sense for Mishaum.  “This is one of the most wonderful things to happen to the Point. “Why should we drive all the way to New Bedford for an oil change when we could get one in our own backyard,” said Pennoyer.









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