Mishaum Point News

May 2003

 Vol. 1

F-15s Pummel Terrorist Attackers
By Mishaum.com staff

The war on terror in Mishaum escalated today as F-15 fighter jets bombed two speedboats laden with explosives heading for Mishaum.  “Ever since the USS Cole attack in Yeman we knew Al Qaeda was capable of something like this, but this time we were very well prepared,” said HomePoint security director, Christy Pennoyer.

F-15s fly away as  fire rises from two bomb blasts on the west bank of  Mishaum (AP Photo)

The sequence of events leading to the bombing was a mixture of keen defensive planning and some luck.  Retired General Frankie Parker was out fishing near the Red Nun when he saw what he described as a bunch of wild-eyed Arabs speeding toward Mishaum in Boston Whalers.  “We motioned to them to slow down but they ignored us.  I immediately called President Shapleigh on the ship-to-shore radio and alerted him that something might be wrong,” said Ret. Gen. Parker.

 Taking the warning seriously, President Shapleigh phoned Director Pennoyer who quickly called in an air strike.  Within less than a minute three F-15 fighter jets broke from routine patrol and swooped down on the approaching speedboats.  With a radar lock, two F-15s dropped 500-pound guided bombs pounding both speedboats just as the boats were about to hit the Point.  The blasts rocked the shoreline and could be heard as far as Newport. 

 Director Pennoyer gloated at the success of the foiled attack and praised the F-15 pilots.  “Today we showed the world that the full force of the US Military will be used to protect our shores."

 It is believed that eight terrorists were killed in the attack, but those responsible for the planning are still at large. 

Oil Spill Now Believed to Be Act of Terror
By Jayson Blair
On loan from  The New York Times

Mishaum authorities today linked a team of Al Qaeda operatives to the Bouchard oil spill in Buzzard’s Bay, and concerns are that further attacks against Mishaum may be planned. “This despicable act was committed by evil doers whose only religion is the spread of evil and oil.  We will find them and bring them to justice,” President Rusty Shapleigh said.

The investigation is ongoing but in the meantime Mishaum security efforts have been stepped up under the Direction of HomePoint security director, Christy Pennoyer.  “We must never sit back and think that bad things can not happen on Mishaum.  This is life and we know that Mishaum and other gated communities have been targeted for future attacks,” said Pennoyer.

Since the oil spill attack the Mishaum border has been closed and many people have remained in their homes.  “It will take time for things to return to normal but we know we can get through this difficult period,” said Pennoyer.   

As a precaution President Shapleigh has created a no fly zone over the Yacht Club and Boat dock.  “Those two areas receive tremendous foot traffic in the summer, and we just want to play it extra safe. In addition there will be military air support at all Beetle Cat races throughout the summer."

Last week Mishaum authorities said that they had foiled plans by at least 4 terrorists to carry out strikes believed to be aimed at the Parker’s tennis court.  “I can’t give you specific details but we are having some success in our war on terror in Mishaum.” said Pennoyer. 

Christy Pennoyer guarding Teal Rock at the northern border of Mishaum    

Jets patrolling over the sand bar break the silence of a spring morning

Mishaum’s War on Oil
By Tom Gelton

 With the clean up phase of Mishaum’s War on Oil almost certain, tough questions remain as to what comes next.  Some think the beaches will be pristine by summer while others speculate it will take years of continued Coast Guard clean up to stabilize the situation.

Mishaum President Rusty Shapleigh called in scores of Coast Guard workers to clean and protect the Point from what he called a serious threat to our summer enjoyment. “The oil spill is evil and we will not stand by and let it foul our shoreline.  The shoreline is not evil but the oil spill is.  We have called upon the brave men and women of the US Coast Guard and Clean Harbors Company to liberate our beaches from this ever oily evil,” said President Shapleigh in a televised address from aboard his Beetle Cat Keen Kutter.  

With the beaches now swarming with Coast Guard and far less oil damage to be found than expected, locals are questioning what is worse:  beaches covered with a little bit of oil, or scores of cleaners in hazardous matter suits yelling at would be sand castle builders. Winter resident Tom Davis was instrumental in pressing the Coast Guard to move on to Mishaum.  “The threat was real and we needed to apply pressure.”

The general Mishaum population is calling for a return to normalcy, and talks swirl around a regime change.  There is no clear leader waiting in the wings to take over Mishaum post clean up, but exiled, former president, John Barrows is seen by many as a likely transitional leader until the Point can be made stable.  Davis and others disagree and believe the Coast Guard should remain indefinitely to assure Point cleanliness. 

Meanwhile, all of this is making Salter’s Point very nervous.  Salter’s has remained free of oil but Coast Guard supervisors hint that a landing on the Salter’s beach may be next. 

Jiffy Lube to open service on Mishaum
By Jayson Blair
On loan from The New York Times

In an attempt to find a silver lining in the oil spill tragedy; the Jiffy Lube Corporation announced today that they will open a service center on Mishaum.

“There is so much oil just wasting away on the beach that we thought we should do something about—and make a buck while we are at it,” said a company spokesman.  The plan is to collect the oil off the beach area near the boat dock, and pipe it up the road where it will be reprocessed and used in cars needing an oil change.

Given that the Mishaum beaches are so oil soaked, the company sees no harm in replacing the dirty oil they take out of cars and putting it on the beach.  “From a business standpoint, this makes total sense for us.  We only take the oil we need and we never put back more than we take—and we don’t have to pay for anything.”

The site of the service center will be at the top of the Boat Dock path allowing easy access from either end of the Point.  Construction will start in June and be finished by the middle of August.

Russell Pennoyer, a consultant to Jiffy Lube and investor in the center believes the project makes a lot of sense for Mishaum.  “This is one of the most wonderful things to happen to the Point. “Why should we drive all the way to New Bedford for an oil change when we could get one in our own backyard,” said Pennoyer.









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Jimmy Buys a Minivan
By Rita Skeeter

The sun always rises in the East, clocks always run clockwise and Jimmy Pingeon is a savage—So you thought.

 In a move so stunning that it has people throwing up, Jimmy Pingeon has embraced the ultimate symbol of suburbia with a brand-spanking new minivan.
                          click here for entire article

Beetle Cat Trouble
By Bud Collins

In Mishaum old Beetle Cats race old Beetle Cats and it is the skill of the sailor that determines the outcome, but is there some foul play afoot threatening to change the dynamics of Saturday racing?

According to many sources Russell Pennoyer will be unveiling a new Beetle Cat this summer with competitive advantages great enough to ensure the winning of any race.  The move, akin to Australia’s wing-keeled America’s Cup entry in 1982, is raising eyebrows around the Yacht Club and trouble appears to be stewing. 

Pennoyer has offered very few details about his new boat, at times indicating that the boat is not even new, but just his old Victoria refurbished-- the new boat is not renamed. He has gone to great lengths to play down the speed potential of Victory insisting that the boat is nothing special. “I had the bottom painted and some new lines installed but little more than that”. 

But conversations with employees at Beetle, Inc. have raised some controversial points.  According to sources in the shop, Pennoyer's Victoria is a brand-new boat built as a special project and employs sophisticated composite material made to look just like wood.  The boat is also rumored to house advanced electronic navigation gear in the mast that can be used to calculate wind angles off the mark as well as predict wind shifts. “It would be ridiculous to race Victoria against a regular Beetle Cat,” mentioned a Beetle, Inc. employee. “It would be the hare against the tortoise, but in boat racing, slow and steady won’t cut it. A monkey could race that boat and never lose.”

 Commodore Phil Douglas has expressed outrage over the new boat. “I will not stand by and allow Russell Pennoyer to sweep the races using some tricked-up, super boat.” Douglas has repeatedly attempted to enter Beetle Inc. over the winter in order to get a glance at Victoria.  “Beetle Inc. had blackened all the windows in the shop and placed security guards at the building. Clearly something big has been going on this winter, and I know Russell Pennoyer was behind it,” fumes Douglas.

 Some members of the MPYC think Pennoyer’s fast boat may be putting its owner in an embarrassing position. “If he wins most of the races, we will have to go to court. If he doesn’t, then he looks weak” says former Commodore Richard S. Perkins III.

 One thing is certain all eyes will be on Victoria this racing season.



The ideal car for a budding family of four



Russell Pennoyer shown beaming about his new Beetle Cat

Commodore Phil Douglas
"We are not going to let Pennoyer get away with this"




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